Stories

How Long?

  

“NO MORE!” the singer yelled into the microphone before he scaled the audio tower to the stage with a white flag in tow. The image was locked in Caroline’s thoughts as she stood six feet behind another customer in her local Brooklyn café waiting to get her morning java. The song playing through the café’s PA brought her back to that amazing night at Red Rocks. The muscle memory in her ears brought back that ringing she experienced all the next day after the concert. She couldn’t ask for more. Mike, her ex-boyfriend barely remembered the show the next day. He sat in the beer tent since the opening act. His college buddies got them tickets, but basically, they went separately. She remembered asking him what his favorite moment was, and all he could think of was when one of his frat friends bought a round of shooters. Hers was when the singer ranted about the conflict in Northern Ireland and then the band launched into a blistering version of their antiwar song. She would get upset at times when Mike, and others, awareness of worldly issues was limited in scope and perspective. That was the way of the times in 1983 when a person was twenty. The party came first for most in her crowd. She shook her head back from her thoughts with a grin and watched the slow-moving line inch ahead. As usual there were some people not respecting the social distancing guidelines, while others complained that the barista wasn’t working hard enough. It reminded her that things haven’t changed all that much. Back at her makeshift home office she put herself on mute during a Zoom meeting and mused again about that night and sighed.

***

     Her daughter, Kristen, tried to FaceTime her during the meeting asking if she was going to watch the ceremony. The emoji image of her made Caroline smile. Caroline flashed back when she had to bring her baby daughter to work when she couldn’t find a sitter. She was lucky her boss, at the time, understood as she had children herself. She typed back “chat later – on a video conference – miss you so much.” Her daughter’s screen closed as did Caroline’s interest in the meeting. They were discussing how the ‘New Normal’ with ‘Work @ Home’ life would look like in the post-pandemic era. The conversation tangent all over the place from drinking bleach as a vaccine supplement to the irony of protesters with assault rifles blocking front-line workers screaming their rights were being infringed upon, yet they were wearing PPE masks. She excused herself by turning off her mic/camera and went back to the memory of the show.

***

     The buzz was rampant on campus at Colorado State for those who went to enjoy the concert. Caroline was talking with one of her girlfriends at the student lounge and hinted that she was upset with Mike for his callousness about what was happening. He was at the concert just to party with the senior brothers of his fraternity. He had no interest in Amnesty International’s or Greenpeace booths. Her girlfriend agreed, mostly to avoid any arguments with her. She knew Caroline was a passionate woman. She was also dating a friend of Mike’s. The guy behind them turned up the volume on the PA as the drummer from the band was being interviewed on the college radio station. Among the political questions he was asked he stated that he was fine with all the reasons people came to the shows. You didn’t need to be political. He said he respected the kid banging his head against the wall to the beat of the drum as much as the other one’s handing out flyers about injustice. Caroline wanted more than just to rock out she wanted the message to be heard.

***

     She left Mike when she graduated and went to Ethiopia to support the famine relief efforts. Her most exhilarating moments were watching the people sing and dance and play music even when the world around them was dying. The energy that flowed through everyone present was bonding and spiritual. It was life among the dead. On her return she took up with a government job and became active within the community. At a fundraiser she met Jeff, her future husband and the father of Kristen. She gave birth two days after her thirty-first birthday. Kristen celebrated her fourth birthday with her mom. Jeff had left, as he was having an affair with Caroline’s college friend. He tried to justify it by saying Caroline was too involved with her political activism and became distant to him focusing on their daughter. In truth he couldn’t compete with her drive and the big picture mentality she possessed. Kristen felt the impact the most. Caroline remembered turning on music to get her through those troubling times. She would sing her favorite bands songs as lullabies to get Kristen to sleep. As a fresh start she and Kristen moved to San Francisco where she was offered a position as a director with a lobbyist firm. Settling into her new life she said, “fuck them all” and held her daughter high. Within four years she became a partner in the firm, moved to the NYC office, and was turning forty.

“Forty,” she mused.

***

     The board was reviewing strategies on a back to work program post-Covid19. The government has relaxed many of its constraint on opening up the economy. Most businesses were getting concerns on a second, third and fourth wave and schools shutting down again. The daycares would close as well. An idea was passed about opening one on site. Since most of the employees would return on alternate days, they could do social distancing in the daycare. Caroline laughed. It was obvious most of the board had in-house babysitters if they had kids. She outlined the impossibility of keeping kids apart no matter how many precautionary steps were taken. And if one child got sick the brand would take a major hit. She did wish they had one when Kristen was a preschooler. Caroline’s career took many steps back because of child rearing but she had zero regrets. The hardest part was that she did have to find multiple sitters as her career did take her away on business trips. Jeff took advantage of that trying to get full custody stating she was unfit leaving their child many times. Caroline had to take another lower role in the firm that did not require travel. Again, no regrets because of the time she got back with her daughter. She thought of all those moments with Kristen at her side at different marches and fundraisers for causes that the firmed believed in. Now she looked at all the front profiles on her Zoom meeting and agreed to find a solution for getting employees back. A profit had to be made even if that meant subsidizing a daycare. The pandemic pulled off the mask. She sent a note to Kristen that she loved her and all she’s done.

***

     During the meeting Caroline looked at pictures of her daughter and held back tears. As Kristen progressed through school and began her own charitable works Caroline was always at her side. Through all life’s events the two were bonded at the heart. Each was proud of the other, but the proudest moment was upon Caroline, and the saddest. Today should have been Kristen’s major accomplishment. She was to address her fellow master’s graduates at Caroline’s alma mater. Between academic achievement and extracurricular activities Kirsten was ahead of all the rest. But now she had to deliver her speech via teleconference. Like many of the high schools, undergrads, etc. they had created a ‘virtual graduation ceremony’ but to Caroline it was a moment her daughter’s life she would never get to experience. Worse was that Caroline’s firm had inadvertently created a conflict in her schedule so she would not be able to join the webcast. This was becoming the ‘New Normal’ where work from home life lost its boundaries of time. Caroline noticed that people were making meetings outside of the usual business hours. The attitude of ‘what else have you got to do?’ crept in. Plus, when you needed time off just to destress it was looked upon as laziness. She was tired of receiving email and Jabber notes of ‘are you free for a call’ she once replied, ‘well I was planning on visiting my closet but for you sure.’ Caroline was pissed so she decided to set up another monitor and viewed the online ceremony. Tears came when she heard her daughter’s speech. Kristen thanked her mother for her constant influence. The speech was from the heart and when completed all the graduates tossed virtual caps on screen and their real ones into the air of the rooms they were abiding. Another sad moment struck Caroline. Kristen was to move to England to attend Oxford in the Fall but now that was all on hold. One of the board of directors at her firm shouted into his screen to get Caroline’s attention. She turned off her camera and mic. Thinking of her daughter she mumbled “carry that white flag up the tower” and began singing a song one of the Ethiopian children taught her.

***

     Caroline pulled up an old YouTube video of herself giving an address to the UNICEF organization. She could see where Kristen’s speech found its passion. Caroline’s was as heartfelt as Kristen’s but packed a fire that made some of the delegates blush in delighted shock. Caroline ended her moment by draping a plain white torn rag across the podium. It was a simple gesture but effective. Later the media would describe her as contrived and self-serving. It didn’t matter the point was made. The energy that gripped the live crowd was palatable and irreplaceable. She wondered how many of history’s greatest speeches would have gone over it was simply televised or broadcasted via online media. Can you imagine Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream!” speech done strictly through Zoom. Could it have had its impact? Or JFK’s inaugural speech? Yes, you could argue it was televised and millions around the country felt them BUT there was a live audience cheering on giving the speeches their emotional punch. Now you can place a canned applause or laugh track but you reduce those speeches to a bad 80’s sitcom – no emotion. Caroline longed for that live interaction once more.

     Caroline’s director sent her a quick note asking if she was rejoining the meeting. He also said they would need to have a chat offline. Caroline new what that meant. She had been put in the penalty box before due to the growing conflicts between her politics and the turn of the company. Covid19 has exasperated that rift as the divide between life and economics grew nationally, locally, and personally. The board of directors tried to convince her to tame her activism, but like those in the past their efforts were futile. Her previous boss was still proud of her, though, as she was one of the original crew that still held true to her convictions. Unfortunately, she was retired and could only advise Caroline as a friend. One piece of advice was that Caroline had a following and that card may need to be played one day. As much as Caroline embraced live interaction she also had an extensive following in the virtual world via her blog and Twitter accounts. This has gotten her in trouble with her current boss, but he knew that her followers were loyal, and it could be damaging to the brand if they let her go. She thought back to the comments of being self-serving. Caroline laughed to herself because if those journalists knew of how many of their political heroes had asked her to lead their campaigns, or represent them during fundraisers, who would they be calling self-serving. The company she helped built was now serving a different master.

     Caroline decided it was time to go back to the beginning. Kristen had completed her Master’s in Political Science specializing in International Relationships. And when they figure out how she can do her PHD at Oxford via online or some other way she was pretty much on the road to her own life. Caroline had to move her own life forward and decided to resign on the spot and begin working on a model to bring people back together in the ‘New Normal’.

***

     Once Kristen heard the news, she immediately took to social media to express her wish to support her mother in the new venture. She sent a videoblog to her own followers. “I am not as articulate, or as passionate, as my mother,” she said. “I could tell you about all her great achievements, and all those she has helped, but you already know that. The woman you don’t know is the person I call ‘Mom’. That is the person I know best – the one who would be rocking out at concerts; the one who would come home after work and help with schoolwork or bake goodies for my class. I will now admit though that baking was not her best talent. My first concert was with her and so was my first day of school. I puked at the sight of my own blood when I fell out of a tree. She made me climb it again. I really wanted to understand T.S. Eliot’s ‘The Wasteland’ so she made me understand what was happening in my own life and being before I ventured into others. As I move into the next phase of my life it was her that drove me forward without directing me where. That was my choice. It is that drive that moved me and many of you to do good and now she is calling us up for the biggest challenge of our lives. We are moving into a new world. It is that drive I so admire. Mom would always ask the question “How long?” and we drove ourselves to find that answer. We must take up that call and answer her question.”

     Kristen wanted to start a GoFundMe to raise funds to meet the minimum requirements to match a government start up loan that would get this ‘New Normal’ business on its feet. This was not what Caroline planned nor wanted but Kristen was headstrong as she. She was proud of her daughter’s enthusiasm, but it was misdirected. The reason to resign and begin a new chapter was not to build another company with the existing models. This was an opportunity to make big changes and take a quantum leap. This was a new birth in our history and like all newborns you need to let the child crawl before he or she can walk. So getting a company on its feet would be like asking a baby to run and grab you a beer. No this was the time to be a new mother with her first child. I need to make those new mother mistakes she thought. I need to breast feed my child before she can stand. I need to allow her to express herself through tantrums and all those sleepless nights. There is no fast track she grinned. This change will take a generation or two, but it does start now. Until then we can all sing individually and, hopefully soon, united. She did chat with her daughter thanking her and said her time will come when she will be “called upon for action.”

     Caroline then unplugged from the virtual world and watched the setting sun through her midtown apartment window. The streets were coming alive again but in the wrong way. It was a disrespect to all those on the front lines who’ve been fighting this pandemic since the start. Caroline opened the window for some fresh air. The sky was clear. She read that that pollution was at an all-time low but those wildfires and floods told another story. That is the world we need to change. Reality vs the fake news. The Black Death, in part ended the Middle Ages and ushered in the Renaissance. Maybe this plague and #BlackLiveMatter can help move us to a new renaissance.

     “Maybe I’m a dreamer,” she said out to the passing crowd below. Realizing she was hearing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ in her head, “Shit, now I sound like some celebrity trying to get some likes on their profile.” But she let the tune run through her. “Thanks Mr. Lennon. Hopefully one day we’ll sing that song.”

Welcome to “The Beginning”.